Last night I sat listening to the kids splashing in the pool. I was in the shade feeling my raw nerves sizzle. They had been wired all day. My whole body was tired from the build-up.
We take for granted the automatic processes of our mind. I do until it decides to take a joy ride through hell.
This past week my brain was hijacked and the only thing I can do when that happens is fight for control. A dozen thoughts would bounce around in my brain until one hit a snag. That one thought and my “fight or flight” is engaged. Electricity disconnects my logic and jolts my nerves to attention.
Electrocution. It feels like electrocution.
I calm down and it isn’t long until another thought is snagged. And again… electrocution.
Those thoughts are monsters. They chase me around and cause harm to my brain and my body. I scream for help but what comes out is just a jumble.
I need you
And then garble, garble, garble.
For fucks sake those thoughts look so harmless, so silly; stupid in the aftermath. After whole villages are burned you look and see the only thing that survived was that STUPID thought standing there waving and smiling a big huge goofy “I gotcha” grin.
But it’s the wolf in sheep’s clothing or the Trojan horse of thoughts. They sneak in and look so innocent and ridiculous but there are bigger issues hiding underneath.
For example: You didn’t like my status on facebook so you must not like me.
When and why and how is this even a valid connection? It’s not. It just isn’t. But if you are depressed, or anxious, or even the slightest bit insecure about your place in the world or in someone’s life you will turn that connection into a nuclear bomb inside your brain, and it will tick until it destroys your world.
I am ashamed to say my mind does this. This is only one example out of hundreds.
I work hard to strip the disguise off of the false thoughts. I try to expose the reasons and recalibrate. I will always deal with this but each time I expose the truth behind the illness I am better able to handle the storm when it hits.
I write this because this is me. It’s who I am. I can’t trust my brain or my thoughts sometimes.
I know I am not the only one.
I hope this helps someone else who might feel alone.