SEARCHING NIGHTMARES

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My mind has a way of turning my thoughts into full length feature films.  That can be amazing because I have some really great, beautiful, happy, very enjoyable thoughts sometimes.  But…

Sometimes I get to watch my biggest fears play out in vivid detail.  I am always surprised because, just like in real life, I can’t see it coming.  Friends are being friendly, conversation is happy, life seems completely normal, then BAM someone does or says something that makes my heart race.

When I dream about someone I am more observant.  I can hear their voice, see every line in their face, feel their touch and in return I can feel myself more clearly as well.  The adrenaline dump is just as real in my sleep as it is in my wake.  The fight or flight response either freezes me in place or causes me to run down hallways that stretch impossibly long before my eyes, jump off bridges, or fly from rooftops to escape.

In my dreams I’ve witnessed my mom accidently slice half her face off at a garage sale and still be able to look at me and say, “What did I just do?”.  I have watched helpless as a large snake swam away with my daughter in its belly.  I listened to the echoes of my screaming husband as he fell into a lake that wouldn’t let him resurface.  And I’ve had people I love tell me they have a secret and the secret usually stops my heart.

It is always a gamble when I close my eyes.  I’ve learned I need to resolve my everyday insecurities or they will visit me at night.  I can’t just say… I am ok as long as I don’t think about that.  I have to try to resolve my worries and my disagreements with those I care about.

Usually… It is a problem I’ve left unresolved.  My dreams are always the first to tell me something is wrong.  There is a drawer in my brain I need to open and declutter.  It’s time to sort through things, throw out the things that are useless and keep the things that are valuable.

Because lately all I have are nightmares.

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