THE SILENCE I KEEP

I’m sorry I flinch.  I didn’t always.

Today… I am recovering from support and compliments paid.  The root of my problem with kindness directed towards me always leads back to one person.  Eventually, I’ll see that person as an individual instead of a monster.  Eventually I won’t see him tainting every kind word spoken.  Eventually I won’t feel like the punch line to every joke.

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The pain of distrust
Is in the silence I keep.
The way tears stop before they are seen.
The way my heart races when touched.
It isn’t fair is it?
The way I judge you as if you are him
You’re probably just being nice
No ill will or bad intentions meant
But in my mind…
The sweet smiles
The hands reaching to support
The eyes that seem full of love
The concern and care on your face
His words ran like a river over me
Oh baby… I love you so very much
Oh baby… You are so very beautiful
Oh baby… You are perfect
Oh baby… You’re hot… so so very
Oh baby… You really turn me on
Oh baby… I want you… need you
Whispers I crave hearing
Full of beauty and loving
And everything that makes me feel
Special
But there was a price to be paid
The pulling and holding
The restraining and taking
It’s the way he didn’t hear me
My words are just noise
My body just… an object
An object he could manipulate
And ejaculate onto
And when he was done
I was tossed aside
Like a ragdoll
A ragdoll left in the mud
It was his voice
The way it changed
The concern? Not a trace
The face wasn’t pleased
Or satisfied
It was annoyed
Frustrated this act of love
Was met with tears
Quiet sobs
I am lucky
I can no longer see his face
Not so lucky
It’s his voice hiding behind
Every beautifully kind word
No
I can’t just be held
Or loved
Without feeling used
And that is how I know
I was abused

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6 thoughts on “THE SILENCE I KEEP

  1. Making love should never be about getting off, it should be about connecting. it is more a pairing of souls and less a pairing of body parts, it’s emptying of the soul done right it feels like you have connected and completed your heart. Done wrong it feels like you have been drained, used and tainted. It should never ever be forced, that is abuse not love. I have been there, lived that and finally escaped it. Though you never really escape do you? the words, the feelings, the images still haunt you even years later. Will you ever recover? I don’t know, it has been 20 years now.. I still wake shaking, I still sometimes cry during sex.. but I also have some wonderful bliss filled moments. So maybe, maybe not but he doesn’t own my soul, my heart or my body, they are now mine and only mine.

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  2. Ugh. That is one of the biggest crap sandwiches life can serve us.
    I used to think physical abuse would be easier, so definite. So black and white (and blue nyuk, nyuk I know HORRIBLE JOKE.) but at least that can be defined, identified, labeled and treated. This other crapola? Just leaves marks no one can see that take even longer to heal.
    Sorry this happened. Glad you’re aware and are starting to move on, or move forward, or even just move away. You don’t need to be defined by anyone else’s character flaws. You’re so much more than that.

    Like

  3. I have very few words which can be more eloquently said than those before mine. And I know nothing I can say or do will speed your healing process. But you ARE healing.

    So I’ll leave you with the usual four; I love you…Anyway.

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  4. This post was so very raw and intense, and yet the words were necessary for you to write and for others to read. I’m sorry you keep reliving this experience but the journey will end when you realize how powerful your writing is and how important you are to women fighting to find their own footing in such a situation.

    Like

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