I spent my life trying…

My life was mine to spend.

You know, the life you are raised to live? The life your parents work hard to help you have? If you are lucky you have those parents. The kind of parents who support you until you can support yourself.

Many aren’t so lucky. Many end up never having been supported and they earn a different kind of life. The kind of life that would break most people’s back or they die. Survival of the fittest. Survival of the strongest. That still happens you know.

So one day after high school, if you’re lucky, you wake up and the training wheels are off. You have this life and it’s yours. I had plans. Grand plans of becoming a tax attorney. Single and free. I would earn a good living and do all the things that made me happy. Maybe I would travel. Maybe I would write papers that made people look up to me and say, “Man, she is smart”.

Yes, that was what I wanted. I wanted people to think I was smart.

I never felt smart. I don’t consider myself smart. I am clumsy, and careless. I am ridiculously unintelligent. I know a few things though. Those things get me by.

I didn’t do what I planned. I got raped. I went a bit crazy. I fell in love. I got married. I found out I had a brain tumor 2 credits before having my Masters completed and nearly quit. I got my Masters in Accounting and decided I wanted to have a child.

It was my life…

It is my life…

I didn’t plan for this to be my life. Divorcing after 26 years because I don’t make my husband happy pretty much sucks. I didn’t become a tax attorney but I am a pretty darn good accountant. I can take care of myself. I have the most amazing daughter. Having her was the best decision I ever made. She is beautiful, healthy, smart, and fairly independent. And I have options…

Not many people have options. So I may not be living the life I planned but really, how many of us do? I am living and I am trying so let it be known when I die that…

I lived my life trying.


4 thoughts on “DETOURS

  1. Dammit woman YOU ARE SMART! I love your insights and perspectives. And no WAY could I be an accountant.

    I love the spirit of this piece, and I love YOU 💖💖💖💖


  2. I don’t know if any of us live the life we planned. Was it John Lennon who said, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans”? Whoever said it was one smart motherfucker, because it’s true. The universe laughs when we say we’re “making plans”, because no matter how dedicated we are to “the plan”, something will happen to tweak it, or alter it, or send it in a whole different direction altogether.

    Also, I don’t think you’re in charge of anyone else’s happiness, so I definitely don’t like to hear you say you couldn’t make your husband happy. People either enhance or detract from someone’s life. They either help bring out the best in us, or they bring out the worst in us. At the beginning of the day, and at the end of the day, we can only be who we are–all of us flawed individuals searching for happiness which always seems to be “out there”, but which never is.

    Shit, did that sound soap-boxy?? If so, it wasn’t meant to! It’s meant to lift you up, and make you realize your own strength! Hang in there girl. It gets better.


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