It’s one o’clock in the morning. I am listening to the chimes my daughter hung outside my window blowing in the high wind. Everyone in the house is asleep as I sit Indian-style on top of my comforter.
I make my bed nearly everyday now. I don’t know why since I am the only one to see it. Putting all eleven decorative pillows in their proper place seems a bit ridiculous. Maybe I do it because even if I am capable of nothing else… I at least made my bed.
Today was just another Monday. I didn’t go above and beyond but I also didn’t sink. I maintained an equal balance. I could call that a victory. But I won’t because I don’t feel I’ve won anything. I will not claim victory until I’ve done MORE than just survive.
So here I am, once again, sitting in the dark contemplating my future. I have several paths in front of me. Each one needing to be assessed. Examined. I am tired of wasting time traveling down dead end roads. They are a waste of time.
Many roads are blocked. Some have signs with flashing lights complete with warning signs attached. I have tried climbing over those roadblocks and those roads always left me lost and confused.
Others are obstructed by fallen trees or debris of some sort. Those usually don’t pan out either. I’ve taken these paths out of pure curiosity and they just slow me down. I end up needing to climb down off the debris to find another way around.
Then there are the wide open easy roads. Those are ok. However, they are deceiving because just around the bend the road might be washed out and you end up having to trek over critter invested territories to find the next path.
I usually steer clear of paths over empty terrain as well. I don’t like taking routes where everyone can see you coming. The vultures can see you clearly and they aren’t afraid to pick you apart.
Currently all those paths lay before me. Those and one other. It looks scary. I usually avoid the scary paths. You know the ones that lead into a dark forest of trees laced in cobwebs. The path you can barely see and could contain a combination of all the other paths.
The thing is…
I know how to handle all the other paths now. Maybe it really is the narrow path that leads to freedom and happiness.
I feel real fear. The kind that lurks inside shadows and makes your belly feel queasy. I hate feeling uneasy. Not being able to see all the intangible emotions up ahead. Not being able to plan. To control the future in front of me.
But here I am sitting in the dark, alone and numb but for the nagging feeling that something bad is about to happen or something amazing. There is a fine line between success and destruction. Between a happy or miserable existence. Between hope and despair.
I doubt much happiness has been found or accomplished without fear. Maybe the real adventure is in making your own path through the unknown.
So with fear as my companion I embark.