There was a point, several years ago, I hit rock bottom and knew I needed help.  I forget sometimes how cruel and deceptive depression is even though I felt its power rage inside me.  I think back to those thoughts and I tremble with fear.  What if this happens to me again?  Well the difference is now I can do things to avoid getting that bad again.

These thoughts still scare the shit out of me.  They are still a very real part of me because I remember how attractive the idea was.  It was like being in love with the devil but you saw an angel instead.

I don’t dwell on these thoughts often but when I find myself in a place where my mind wanders back in time… I write it out.  I don’t give them a foothold.



It slides effortlessly in

Smooth ride from here

To somewhere “not here”

Razor blade precision

Releasing all the torment

Allowing emotions  to flow

Physically for once

Tangibly and colorfully

Inviting the fog

To hide me in its belly

The sensation

Of ice water

Left from leaving

My veins

The warmth

Moving quicker

Than I thought

And taking with it

Every single hurt

Every painful ache

Every sorry pulse

No more replaying

Until finally

The picture fades

The projector stops

The film burns

And the memories

Fall silent


A crimson flood


6 thoughts on “CRIMSON FLOOD

  1. I’m not sure how to.start this comment except to say thank you for sharing and I relate. When I got out of the hospital with depression when I was 28 that “second fear” you speak of almost threw me back to the bottom of that well again. I was terrified I wasn’t strong enough especially since I was still in the situation that put me there but I was strong enough and like you said, did what I needed to to stay out. You are strong enough too. All good wishes!

    Liked by 1 person

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