SHIT HAPPENS

1012765_10201434464564550_1721346466_n

My phone kept chirping.

I didn’t want to look at it so I  left the phone on my nightstand and left the bedroom.  The rest of the house was dark so I flipped light switches on as I walked barefoot over hardwood floors that creaked with each step.

I hate it when these melancholy moods hit.  I focus on my existence. The lights came on because of me.  The floor is creaking because of me.  I am still here.  And not everybody wants to cause me harm.

Why did life have to be so complicated?  Why did I have to second guess everything every waking second?  Always picking apart intentions, motives, body language, and words.  Constantly fighting my first instinct to hurl accusations at every person I know as if I already know the most obscene lie would be the truth?

Because bad things happen that’s why.

I shook my head.  I hated that his voice was still in my head.  He used to have a face but nearly three decades of trying to forget him had erased it from my memory.  He was simply a force, a blurry outline of movement, and a voice.

Why are you crying?  Shit happens. 

Thank you for that lesson.  It is a lesson I can’t unlearn.  I learned a lot in the 46 minutes that were strung together like shards of stained glass.  I wish often that I had bled out in your car but as fate would have it you got fired for bringing a car back in with a ruined passenger seat.  You deserved it.  Whoever bought that car also bought my virginity too.

My body healed. Not every rape victim can say that.  I didn’t get a disease.  I didn’t get pregnant. Can I call myself “lucky”?

But I couldn’t fix what was invisibly broken.  I felt like such an idiot.  A failure.  A fool.  A piece of trash.

However, I decided that night that my life wouldn’t skip a beat.  I didn’t miss going to either one of my jobs the next day or to my normally scheduled night class.  I made sure not to act strange around my parents or those I worked with.  I worked super hard to move past… the mistake I made.  Because for years I blamed myself for ever having trusted him.

It took time to realize why compliments made my heart race in a bad way.  Or why I panicked when someone walked away from me when I was trying to speak my heart.  I still have issues with trust.  I can’t take anything at face value without picking it apart.  And an unsolicited hug puts me on edge for days.

Shit happens.

It sure does.  He was right about that.

I could hear my phone still chirping in the other room as I checked to make sure all the doors were locked for the night.  I got a glass of water and turned the lights off as I made my way back into the bedroom.

I pick up my phone and sighed.

I can’t look at social media with his voice in my head.  He makes everything about me so that I can blame myself for not being good enough.  So I can feel small and ugly.  So I can feel stupid and pathetic.  So I can find reasons everyone will soon give up on me or leave me.

I have to wait until he sleeps.  He sleeps more these days and when he does I feel like a survivor.  I feel I can see the truth of things as if they are shining beacons of light.  I feel like a valuable piece of the puzzle and I don’t worry about the shit that happens because I know I can survive anything.

But when he is awake…

Shit happens…

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “SHIT HAPPENS

  1. It’s not your fault. It’s his crime. He broke your trust, and broke the law. The pain can manifest guilt / self-blame, especially with stigma or double standards. But no amount of knowing ahead would have solved or stopped someone going out of their way to treat the other like a toy. You may have heard all this before, and probably already get it logically, but it’s worth saying because it’s true. We’re all worthy of love, and that includes you.

    Not to take away from the value of this write or to say the feelings aren’t real… You’re a person worthy of everything life has to offer. That’s all.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s